Then You Look At Me

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All hail!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I’ve expanded a great deal on the characters of Gretchen Janeway and Mark Johnson, who are Jeri Taylor’s, and as such, there may be overlap at times.  In no way did I intend to horn in on Jeri’s territory, since no one can do a better job with her characters than she can. I’m just stretching their boundaries. Beth Johnson is my own character.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The song "Then You Look At Me" is Celine Dion’s, from her 1999 album, All the Way. The headings for the different parts of the story are excerpts from her song as well. No infringement intended.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>As ever, to Kate and Robert, my inspiration in all things J/C. My love and thanks. </I></div> <bR> <div>    </div> <div> <B>Part One: Sun to Sun</b></div> <div>      </div> <div>      "I think I’m going to be sick."</div> <div>      "You aren’t. Now be still."</div> <div>      "Phoebe, you know I don’t like speaking in front of groups."</div> <div>      "Then why in heaven’s name did you agree that you’d do this?"</div> <div>      "Temporary insanity," Kathryn replied drily.</div> <div>      Phoebe Janeway stood in front of the mirror in her older sister’s hotel room and zipped the back of her black form-fitting dress, trying all the while to block out the sound of Kathryn’s bitching.</div> <div>      "I can’t do this." Kathryn nervously ran a brush through her hair again and fluffed it with her fingers. Suddenly deciding that she didn’t like that hairstyle, she grabbed a pair of combs encrusted with Koladan diamonds and gathered her hair at the sides, slipping the combs into place and twisting her head to survey the effect. "I look awful. I’m going to get up there and pass out."    </div> <div>      "Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, when did you get so uptight? Relax a little, why don’t you?" Phoebe sighed impatiently and handed Kathryn some lipstick, watching while she carefully applied it. She stepped back and eyed her critically. "There." She surveyed her own reflection in the mirror and grinned. "We Janeway women are foxes."</div> <div>      Kathryn smoothed the bodice of the dress and gazed into the mirror, twisting a bit so she could see herself from the side.  "Do I look okay?" she asked anxiously.</div> <div>       Phoebe rolled her eyes, unable to believe that fearless Kathryn could be so unnerved by a simple party. "For the millionth time, you look fabulous. Now c’mon, Madame Captain, or you’re going to be late."</div> <div>      She ushered Kathryn out of the room before her sister could change her mind.</div> <div>      Kathryn surveyed the crowd of Starfleet brass, her crew’s families and friends, and other starship captains in the ballroom of San Francisco’s oldest hotel, the Ritz Carlton, and gulped nervously. It was a bigger crowd than she had expected.</div> <div>      "Maybe if I just get some air …" she thought as her stomach turned. She quickly made her way to the balcony and stepped outside. San Francisco stretched below her in a panorama of twinkling lights. She drank in the familiar sight and drew in deep breaths of rain-moistened air.</div> <div>      "Trying to hide, Captain?" called a cheerful voice.</div> <div>      "Not at all, B‘Elanna. Just wondering why I let you talk me into this." </div> <div>      Kathryn turned to look at her half-Klingon friend as she stepped onto the balcony. B’Elanna was resplendent in a deep red dress with a V-neckline and fitted bodice, her shiny brunette tresses curled into soft waves. The wedding ring on her finger glinted in the moonlight as she raised a glass of champagne to her lips and held another out to Kathryn.</div> <div>      "You’ll be fine. Everyone is going to love hearing you speak. And with all due respect, the crew could benefit from seeing the human side of Kathryn Janeway, intrepid captain."</div> <div>      Kathryn, who had the glass halfway to her lips, stopped the motion of her hand and stared at the younger woman in disbelief. "Is that how they still see me? The woman behind the curtain?"</div> <div>      B’Elanna gave her a sad smile. The truth was that even after seven years, many of the crew, though fiercely devoted to Janeway, still saw her as a bit of an aloof figure, someone who named the senior staff and only a privileged few others her close confidants and friends. "Only sometimes. But you’re going to change all that tonight." She quickly changed the subject. "Everything went well today."</div> <div>      Kathryn smiled eagerly. "Wonderful! They weren’t too hard on you were they?"</div> <div>      B’Elanna set down her glass and twisted a curl around her finger. "They asked about Dreadnought, of course, and the incident in the Cymari marketplace. They also ordered a psychological work-up as soon as they saw the logs about the incidents with the holodeck safeties. But once that goes through, they’ll speak to me again about teaching at Starfleet Engineering Corps."</div> <div>      "Is that what you want? To teach, I mean? Because I’d love you and Tom to go back to Voyager with me when they commission her again."</div> <div>      B’Elanna joined her at the railing and leaned against it.</div> <div>      "It depends a lot on what Tom wants to do. I’d love to go back to Voyager. But I think he wants to enjoy being Daddy for awhile before launching back into a career." She smiles sentimentally. "And we’re also thinking about having another baby."</div> <div>      Kathryn tossed her a sidelong glance. "That’s wonderful. How long have you been talking about it?"</div> <div>      "For a few months now." B’Elanna rolled her eyes. "Of course, it’s easy for him to plan for another baby. He’s not the one who went through nine hours of labor."</div> <div>     Kathryn nodded distractedly and abruptly asked, "Have you seen Chakotay? He was supposed to contact me before the party and never did."</div> <div>      B’Elanna hesitated then murmured, "He and Seven went off world. They figured it would just be too awkward for both of them to be here." She shook her head in disbelief. "The hearings have taken such a toll on Chakotay. I don’t think he wants to be in a setting where people will stare at him all night. And the idea of a huge party was just too much for Seven."</div> <div>      Kathryn’s throat constricted tightly and she fought to keep her voice even. "That’s ridiculous! We’ll find out tonight if they exonerate all the former Maquis and Chakotay won’t be here?" She stared resentfully over the edge of the balcony, temper flaring unexpectedly. "And Seven! I thought she was feeling at home with the crew. This could be the last time we’re all together for a long time and she backs down because she’s afraid?"</div> <div>      B’Elanna covered Kathryn’s hand with her own and squeezed quickly. "I don’t know, Kathryn. They’ve been so involved with each other ever since we came home." She hated seeing the hurt that flashed in her friend’s eyes. </div> <div>      "I don’t know why I’m so upset by this," Kathryn said inanely, still staring out at the dark mass of the San Francisco Bay.  </div> <div>      "Maybe," B’Elanna began delicately, "it’s because you care for Chakotay in a way you just won’t admit to. And his involvement with Seven is putting you in a bad place. I know you feel like a mother to her. "</div> <div>      An aide stepped onto the balcony, interrupting their conversation. "Captain Janeway, you’re needed inside."</div> <div>      Taking a breath to compose herself, she slipped the command mask firmly in place and addressed the young aide. "Thank you." B’Elanna squeezed her arm and slipped inside ahead of her. </div> <div>      The aide led her to a podium where Admirals Paris, Nechayev, Branch and Shanti were assembled. Paris stepped forward and addressed the crowd.</div> <div>      "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct honor and pleasure to welcome back into the fold, Captain Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, gone from us but never forgotten for the past eight years. We are pleased and proud to have her and the crew of Voyager back in the arms of those who love them.</div> <div>      "Voyager returned home with many different faces among the ranks of her crew, most notably the crewmembers of the Maquis ship Liberty. After conducting hearings and inquiry boards and upon reading the logs of Voyager’s senior staff, it has become apparent that Voyager’s crew, however diverse, pulled together in the face of true adversity to form a solid and unified whole. It is therefore the decision of the admiralty of Starfleet Command that full pardons be granted to all of the former Maquis and that commendations for valor and honor be bestowed upon every person aboard Voyager." </div> <div>      There was an audible sigh of relief from most of the assembled crowd and more than a few grins were exchanged across the ballroom.</div> <div>      Paris continued, "All crew members will now be awarded the Star Cross, Starfleet’s highest medal of honor, beginning with the senior staff … Captain Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, Lieutenant B’Elanna Lynn Torres, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Lieutenant Harry John Kim …"  </div> <div>      Once all the crew had stepped forward to receive their medals to the applause of their families, Admiral Paris said, "And now, we’ll turn the floor over to Captain Janeway."</div> <div>      Swallowing back nervousness, Kathryn stepped forward and scanned the crowd as she spoke. Her mother and sister were toward the fringe of the crowd near several of her father’s colleagues. Her crew was scattered throughout the room, predominantly near the front of the podium. Her heart leapt when she spied Mark in the back of the room, Joanne, his new wife, nowhere to be seen. Chakotay, Seven, and Tuvok (off seeking medical treatment) were noticeably absent.</div> <div>      "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. I’ll make this brief so the real fun can begin." Her confidence was bolstered by the applause and laughter. "During the past seven years, I’ve done a lot of growing. I’d dare say there isn’t a person in this room who hasn’t changed from this experience. I learned more than I ever hoped to about some somber subjects—loneliness, despair, and death among them. But far outweighing that is what I learned about my crew and the enormous capacity we have to cope with the toughest of situations. We learned to band together in ways we never could have imagined in order to survive and to keep our humanity intact. I learned that love and compassion, music and laughter are just a very few of the commonalities that bond us together and allow us to look beyond race, species, political standpoints, and our own past mistakes; commonalities that we sorely needed when our friends and families, childhood homes and pets, everyone and everything we cared about ceased to be there. It took a lot for this crew to learn to act as one and not separate entities with different beliefs. But once we achieved a unified whole, I realized that I have never known a stronger group of individuals. Through all the good and the bad—and the bad at times was horrendous—the crew looked out for each other, held to the hope that we would find our way back home, and gave more than anyone could ever ask for. I am unspeakably proud to stand before you tonight as their Captain."</div> <div>      Kathryn blinked back a few tears of her own as she watched raw emotion flit across the faces in the audience. </div> <div>      "More than anything else, I now think of this crew as family. I care deeply for every person, right down to the youngest among us." She smiled fondly at Naomi Wildman.</div> <div>      "And I want to take a moment to step back from protocol and command distance to express my gratitude and love for all of you. I know the trip home wasn’t easy and I know I didn’t say this often enough but I am so proud to call each and every one of you an invaluable member of a very special family. Thank you for everything."</div> <div>      Resounding applause broke out from all corners of the room and everyone who had been sitting jumped to their feet for a standing ovation. Kathryn smiled warmly and gestured out toward her crew then began applauding for them. B’Elanna made her way toward the dais and waited till the applause died before speaking. </div> <div>      "It’s no secret that we survived the last seven years because of Kathryn Janeway. No matter how ingenious or hardworking we were as a crew, it was her steadfast determination that held us together. So it seemed only fitting that we find some sort of gift for her, a way to express our gratitude. After much comm. traffic, a few frantic midnight meetings, and endless databank searches, the whole crew managed to come up with something. We, the crew of the USS Voyager, NCC 74656, dedicate this song to Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, with love and thanks."</div> <div>      A strain of instrumental music floated in and Kathryn watched in stunned silence as her whole crew gathered at the front of the podium and began to serenade her. </div> <div>              </div> <div>    <I>  Laugh and cry, live and die.</I></div> <div> <I>     Life is a dream we are dreaming.</I></div> <div> <I>     Day by day, I find my way,</I></div> <div> <I>     look for the soul and the meaning.</I></div> <div> <I>          </I></div> <div> <I>     Then you look at me and I always see</I></div> <div> <I>     what I have been searching for.</I></div> <div> <I>     I’m lost as can be, then you look at me</I></div> <div> <I>     and I am not lost anymore.</I></div> <div>      </div> <div>      Kathryn felt her throat begin to close up and her eyes filmed over with tears. She scanned the group and made out Naomi Wildman, standing on a chair next to her mother and singing sweetly. The Doctor had placed himself front and center where he could easily be seen and beamed up at her when she caught his eye. Harry Kim, jubilant ever since he’d beamed back to Earth, looked slightly melancholy and when she caught his eye he gave her a brave smile. Kathryn knew at once that for all the young man’s conviction of getting back home, he was going to miss Voyager and her captain more than he could express. </div> <div>      As she glanced over the crowd, she caught sight of Chakotay and Seven making their way toward Tom and B’Elanna. She smiled warmly, then remembering why they hadn’t been present for the first part of the ceremony, purposely directed her glance to another crewmember.</div> <div>             </div> <div>      <I>People run, sun to sun</I></div> <div> <I>     caught in their lives ever flowing.</I></div> <div> <I>     Once begun, life goes till it’s gone</I></div> <div> <I>     we have to go where it’s going.</I></div> <div> <I>         </I></div> <div> <I>     Then you look at me and I always see</I></div> <div> <I>     what I have been searching for.</I></div> <div> <I>     I’m lost as can be, then you look at me</I></div> <div> <I>     and I am not lost anymore.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>     And you say you see when you look at me</I></div> <div> <I>     the reason you love life so.</I></div> <div> <I>     Though lost I have been</I></div> <div> <I>     I find love again,</I></div> <div> <I>     and life just keeps on running,</I></div> <div> <I>     and life just keeps on running,</I></div> <div> <I>     you look at me and life comes from you.</I></div> <div>      </div> <div>      Kathryn moved on shaking legs into a sea of crewmembers.  She took each person in her arms for a hug or a word of praise and grabbed hold of B’Elanna as soon as she was in arms reach. </div> <div>      "’Lanna, I don’t know what to say," she laughed. "Thank you."</div> <div>      B’Elanna hugged her friend tightly. "Thank you for everything, Kathryn."</div> <div>      "Ditto," Tom exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. "You saved my life, Captain, at least a few hundred times over. I’ll owe you till the day I die—hell,  my grandchildren will owe you!"     </div> <div>      Admiral Paris, Gretchen, and Phoebe waded though the crowd and people moved aside to let them pass. Gretchen caught her daughter into a tight hug. "Your father would have been so proud of you, Kathryn. I know I am."</div> <div>      Kathryn’s eyes sparkled with tears at her mother’s rare praise. Phoebe gave her sister a conspiratorial grin and stage whispered, "Told you so."</div> <div>       Surprisingly enough, stoic Admiral Owen Paris, rivaled only by Vulcans in his unemotionality, hugged his former student and tousled her hair in a fatherly manner. "Impressive, Kathryn. Anyone can see you’re well loved among this bunch. We’re lucky to have you back."</div> <div>      "Thank you, sir," Kathryn replied, blushing.</div> <div>      "Owen. I’ve known you for twenty years, Kathryn. It’s Owen."</div> <div>      "Owen. Thank you for holding up the search for Voyager."</div> <div>      Paris smiled at his son over the crowd. "With my son, my granddaughter, my daughter-in-law, and my favorite student out there, I would never have stopped."</div> <div>      Tom grinned, unabashedly pleased to be back in his father’s good graces.</div> <div>      The crowd around Kathryn began to disperse and the dance floor came alive. The knot of crew members broke up and people set off their separate ways to mingle with family and friends, hit the dance floor, and head to the sumptuous buffet, ready to indulge after eight years of Neelix’s cooking. Kathryn was making her way toward Chakotay, ready to demand an explanation of her first-officer, when she spied Mark’s tall frame moving toward her.</div> <div>      "Kath!" he called happily. Within a moment, he was in front of her and grabbing her in a hug. </div> <div>      "Mark!" she exclaimed, tears coming to her eyes at the sight of her friend of thirty-plus years. She returned the hug, laughing as she did so, wiping at the tears that fell down her cheeks. "Oh, it’s so good to see you!"</div> <div>      She was surprised when he leaned into her and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. "I missed you," he breathed against her mouth. "I’m so glad you’re home."</div> <div>      "So am I." She pulled back slightly, uncomfortably aware that Mark was a married man. "How‘s Molly?" she asked eagerly, glad to change the subject.</div> <div>      "She’s fine," he laughed, his grey eyes sparkling. "I knew you’d ask about her first. She’s living with me still but spends time with Gretchen when she comes to the area for business."</div> <div>      Kathryn gave Mark a puzzled glance. "Joanne doesn’t mind that Molly lives with you?"</div> <div>      Mark’s smile faltered. "Joanne and I divorced six months ago, Kat."</div> <div>      "I’m sorry to hear that," she replied awkwardly, not sure what else to say because, secretly, she wasn’t sorry at all.</div> <div>      "It just wasn’t working out. My work kept me away and she complained I wasn’t taking care of her. We just had irreconcilable differences." He didn’t bother to mention that Joanne’s accusations of neglect stemmed from her idea that he had remained enamored with Kathryn and had married her out of loneliness and little else.</div> <div>      "Well," Kathryn said awkwardly, "I’ll have to drop by sometime and see Molly. You’re still at the same address?"</div> <div>      "Yes, I am. But I thought you’d like to see her tonight."</div> <div>      Kathryn scanned the room, still looking for Chakotay. "Oh, I really should stay here. It is a party for my crew after all."</div> <div>      Mark took her chin in his hand and tipped her face up so he could peer into her eyes. "Do you really think anyone will mind if you left for a few minutes? Come on, Kat, I’m not even ten minutes from here." His eyes lit with excitement. "I’ll have you back in no time."</div> <div>      Kathryn couldn’t help but smile. His excitement was contagious and she had missed her dog so much. "Alright," she conceded. "Just let me tell mother and Phoebe so they don’t worry."</div> <div>      Mark took her hand and kissed it gallantly. "I’ll be right by the door."</div> <div>      Kathryn spied Gretchen chatting with Admiral Paris, Tom and B’Elanna. She wound her way through the crowd and as she neared, she caught the tail end of Tom’s retelling of breaking the Warp 10 threshold. Tom spied her over the crowd and decided to have a little fun with his narrative. </div> <div>      "Yep, that was the mission where I really began to understand Captain Janeway as a person. I’ve got to hand it to her—she can really take charge, even in the most unusual circumstances. I mean, there we were, alone on a rocketing shuttlecraft, both of us metamorphosing into giant salamanders—what’s a captain to do when she’s abducted by her CONN officer? I admit, I wasn’t the most gentlemanly lizard I could have been and things got a little out of control for a while. But she handled herself really well."</div> <div>      "Kathryn’s always been strong willed and quick tempered," Gretchen commented with a smile. "Annoying as that may be sometimes, it has also given her the unique ability to take the upper hand in almost any situation."</div> <div>      "Oh, absolutely!" Tom enthused. "She’s definitely strong-willed. You might even say, oh, I don’t know … hot blooded." He caught Kathryn’s eye and grinned wickedly. "Take what happened before the away team found us … Now you want to talk about hot blooded --" </div> <div>      "Tom," Kathryn broke in sweetly, "perhaps you ought not relate that bit of information. I recall a bit of hot-blooded behavior on your part on any number of occasions." She began to tick items off on her fingers. "That incident in Engineering, for example. And let us not forget Jeffries Tube 12 or the Briefing room or--" She broke off, fighting laughter as Tom’s eyes widened and B’Elanna giggled behind her hand.</div> <div>      "Touché, Captain," Tom replied with a sunny smile, recovering his equilibrium.</div> <div>      "Don’t pick a fight with someone so strong willed," she advised half-seriously. "You won’t win." She gave Tom’s shoulder an affectionate pat and addressed the rest of the group. "I wasn’t planning on interrupting anything, though I’m almost glad I did. I just wanted to let you know I’m going to slip away for a few minutes so don’t be alarmed if you don’t see me."</div> <div>      Gretchen grinned at her daughter. "You’re going to see Molly, aren’t you?"</div> <div>     "Mark offered. His apartment is right around the corner." </div> <div>      "Give her a kiss for me, Kathryn," Gretchen said. "See you in a bit."</div> <div>      Kathryn left the group and joined Mark by the door. They slipped outside through a back exit to avoid the hordes of photographers, and set off down the street.</div> <bR> <div>      Chakotay saw Kathryn leave with Mark and immediately sought out B’Elanna.</div> <div>      "‘Lanna, where’s Kathryn going with him?"</div> <div>      The half-Klingon shot him a disapproving glare. "Having second thoughts, Chakotay?"</div> <div>      "B’Elanna--"</div> <div>      She held up a fending hand. "She’s gone to have a reunion with her dog. Mark’s been keeping her for Kathryn."</div> <div>      Chakotay relaxed visibly. "Good. Is she going to be back soon? I need to talk to her."</div> <div>      "I can't imagine what about," B'Elanna said drily. "I mean you only missed her speech and the Maquis exoneration and the medal presentation." </div> <div>      "You don't understand--"</div> <div>      "No, I sure as hell don't." B'Elanna placed her hands on her hips. "You hurt her, Chakotay. Before you never would have dreamed of it. What is going on with you lately? You and Seven are acting like the rest of us don't exist."</div> <div>      "This has nothing to do with Seven and I."</div> <div>      "Yes it does. You've caught her in the middle, Chakotay. Kathryn loves you and it's like you've gone off and started dating her daughter."</div> <div>      Chakotay replied stiffly, "She had her chance. I gave her too many chances to count. Seven and I are--"</div> <div>      "I don't want to hear it. I really don't. You've hurt Kathryn and that's what really matters in my book. And I suggest you find someway to make it right."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chez Sandrines"><U><B>Back to Chez Sandrines. </b></U></A><B>           </b><A HREF="id61.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Then You Look At Me"><U><B>On to Part 2.</b></U></A><B>               </b><A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U><B>E-Mail Me</b></U></A><B>.</b></div> </td> </tr></table></body>